Changing Another Person’s Mind

“Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” – John Kenneth Galbraith

 Let’s get something out of the way

You will never convince anyone with a strong argument. It doesn’t work. Anyone who’s tried to persuade another human of the validity of an opposing stance on a polarized subject (guns, abortion, inequality) has run into this roadblock, yet conveniently forgets it when the debate comes around again. “But, but, my logic is sound! My argument is unassailable!” Doesn’t matter. People don’t make rational decisions. They make emotional ones (see The Two Yous).

The only people who can be convinced by a rational discussion are those rare individuals who not only admit they’re wrong on a regular basis but do so with a strange sense of glee and accomplishment. Nobody likes to be wrong. It hurts. The ego has a really hard time admitting an error. We all like to say that we’ll admit an error, but in reality, doing so gives us heartburn and makes our eye twitch.

Speaking of which, if a person’s individual identity is wrapped up in their positions, then your task is even more difficult. Here is your coat, sir, here is your umbrella, good luck, it was nice to have known you!

“Never let your ego get so close to your position that when your position goes, your ego goes with it.” – Colin Powell

You cannot convince someone of anything they are not already gung-ho about. Once you realize that, you can divert your energy to a more worthwhile pursuit: helping them visualize a reality they’d like to inhabit. Then they’ll convince themselves how to get there.

That’s the key point here: get them to convince themselves. Effective car salesmen do not sell you a car. They sell you a reality where you and the car exist together, and then they let you convince yourself to go live there.

Decision Shortcuts

Our brains process an enormous amount of information. We employ many biases and mental shortcuts to make decisions efficiently. Check out Thinking Fast & Slow by Daniel Kahneman to find out how much you can’t trust yourself.

Dr. Robert Cialdini identified six such mental shortcuts. They are, in no particular order:

• Liking – I like you, so sure I’ll buy that

• Reciprocity – you did a favor for me, so sure I’ll buy that

• Consistency – I’ve made decisions like this in the past, so sure I’ll buy that

• Social Proof/Consensus – other people do it, so sure I’ll buy that

• Authority – you’re an expert, or you brought in an expert, so sure I’ll buy that

• Scarcity – I might miss out, so sure I’ll buy that

When someone is trying to persuade you of something, watch how many of the above six touchstones they jump up and down on. Practice on advertisements. Make it a game to find out how many of the six elements are employed.

Those aren’t in any order, but Liking is at the top because if I don’t like you, you’re unlikely to persuade me of anything. So, if you’re trying to persuade someone and you realize they don’t like you, either attempt to fix it, or, better yet, tap out and let someone else try. You’re damaged goods.

Calibrated Questions

In Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended on It, Chris Voss talks about “calibrated questions”. They’re open-ended questions that are designed to lack simple, yes or no answers. They make the recipient think about their answer. Questions like:

• “How am I supposed to do that?”

• “How would we do that?”

• “What would be a good thing to do to make that happen?”

• “What’s the number one thing you can think of that would get in the way of success?”

• “What about this is important to you?”

Ask these questions in a calm, non-confrontational voice. No accusations. Ask questions, not statements. Questions don’t have the same attack surfaces as a statement, which can always be proven false - get into an argument with a pedantic engineer and you’ll know what I mean.

Note how those questions started. “How” and “What”. “How” and “What” are collaborative problem-solving words. You might use “Where” if it applies.  Don’t use “Why” unless there’s no other option. It comes across as an attack. If you manage people, how often do you ask them things like, “Why did you do that?” and how well does that go over?

Calibrated questions are a way to guide someone towards the reality you want them to inhabit. Use them whenever the person raises an objection.

“I can’t do that,” I said.

“What would it take for that problem to go away?” said the guy who sold me my last car. 

Or: 

“People should take care of themselves. I shouldn’t be shelling out my tax dollars to pay for their healthcare.”

“How are they supposed to do that if they can’t get a good job?”

“It’s not my fault they don’t have a good education.”

“How are they going to get a good education if they can’t afford it?”

“Well, they shouldn’t be spending what money they have on cigarettes and alcohol.”

“It seems like you feel like people squander their opportunities, and that they should show a little bit more personal responsibility.”

“That’s right, yeah.”

“What about the folks who don’t smoke or drink? Just the unlucky people, who haven’t had good opportunities come their way. What would it take to help them out?”

“Hmm, well, I guess maybe…”

Nothing accusatory there. Nothing that says they’re a moron, or how come they don’t see another perspective, or why don’t they just accept the truth like a rational person would. If your goal is to feel good about yourself and not convince anyone of anything, by all means, keep doing it the other way. But if you’d like to make a difference, to make things better, to perhaps change someone’s mind, you have to let them do it themselves. Make them feel like it was their idea to begin with. If the end state is X happens, who cares who gets the credit for it?

Letting someone convince themselves works so well because their ego is involved. If you do X for me, and then something happens and my standing with you is diminished, or I lose credibility, you won’t do X. It’s really hard to lose credibility with yourself. Egos are fragile and don’t like that.

By the way, be genuine when applying this stuff. Don’t be a slime ball.

Time

It takes a long time to change someone’s mind about something, especially if their personal identity is tied up in it.  It can take years, if at all. 

Think about some of your hard-earned positions and ask yourself what convince you otherwise. Difficult? Impossible? Well, often you’re asking someone to do that very thing when you debate with them. 

So, patience.